BARELY LEGAL TEENS

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT JULIE'S SITUATION:

JULIE:
I'm trying to appreciate why my husband looks at porn online with the word teen in the heading. I'm 38 years old and hubby is 41. We have three children and I've been trying to have a very fun, frequent sex life. I'd like to have sex about 5 times a week and we have it 1-3 times a week. Three times per week is fine with me even though I'd like it more.

Sadly, my husband falls asleep dreadfully early, even on Friday and Saturday nights and I'm left to my own devices. Last week he told me he masturbated to porn online and while I don't mind him watching porn if I'm not up for having sex, if I am willing to have sex (which is the majority of the time) I would rather he satisfy himself sexually with me.

Then yesterday morning, I saw him deleting his browsing history and asked him not to, because our computer had just recovered from a virus and some files were still hidden somewhere in temporary files. I asked if he had been watching porn the night before and he said no, vehemently.

This morning while I was searching around for our missing files, I saw that he had indeed been watching porn and that three of the scenes he had chosen had 'teen' in the title. The final scene he watched that night, and the one I imagine he finished himself off to was a teen scene.

So I'm upset and on many levels. One that he lied about watching it and masturbating on a night I would have been very willing, secondly, that we have a teenage daughter and the thought that he gets off to sex with teen girls makes me want to vomit and also because I feel extremely inferior. I can't go back in time and make myself 17 again.

I adore my husband and want to have a meaningful and full sexual relationship with him, but am finding it difficult. Any advice would be appreciated.

BARRY:
Address the trust issue. But ignore the Teen title issue. 18 is legal here in the UK and just by watching it does not mean he wants you to be 18, anymore than he wants you to be a porn star. AND for the record, most of the teen porn are not teens at all actually.

JULIE:
Actually, the girl in the video was young (I'd say 18/19) and I couldn't give a flying fuck whether or not 18 is legal. That is just an arbitrary number. 41 year olds fantasising about having sex with 18 year olds is nothing if not immoral and a manipulation of girls who are adolescent.

In the past, my husband has been the first to critise male friends for liking teen pornography. Our daughter will be 18 in a couple of month's time, so I can't and won't ignore the teen title thank you. There wasn't just one teen scene either, there were three, on a site that offers lots of other genres he could have selected. What's more, when I asked him about these teen scenes, he tried to say he didn't read the titles - that are in bold type and bright pink!

BTW. You didn't comment on the fact that he can have as much sex as he wants with me, yet he still feels the need to watch teen porn and wank over it?!

MICHAEL:
Sounds like two issues to me. First is his lack of truthfulness (more worrying to me), second is that I don't think you're as 'OK' with him watching porn as you claim Julie.

Second issue first. If you decided that you truly don't care if he watches porn, I would recommend that you not concern yourself with the type he watches because what will happen is exactly what you're feeling now. I think it would be foolish and quite wrong to suppose that your daughter (or her friends) is what he's fantasising about – that would be a much bigger deal of course, if true. But people don't just become paedophiles overnight! If there are no other warning signs I wouldn't sweat that one.

However, it does seem that he likes porn with younger women, and knowing that isn't going to do anything for your self esteem, no matter how 'OK' you think you are with it. Just be aware that if he's going to lie to you about watching it when he thinks you don't have a problem with it, be prepared that if you tell him you don't want him watching it anymore that he'll probably just do it behind your back.

Like I said though, to me lying to your face about it is the bigger issue. The only advice I can offer here is to try and talk about it with him in a non-argumentative way. He may be feeling guilty about it, maybe he just would rather have watched porn than have sex with you for whatever reason that night, but doesn't want to acknowledge it, or it could be any one of dozens of other reasons.

Oh, and 10:1 says your computer picked up that virus from one of your husband's porn sites. Do yourself a favour and invest in the best antivirus, anti-spyware, anti-malware you can afford if he's planning on surfing for porn.

JULIE:
No problem with porn. He can stare all night at any other type of porn he likes, but having a thing for teens as a fantasy I find sickening. And I don't like that when I'm saving up my lust to share with him, that he goes and blows his load looking at a teenager without even signalling to me that he was horny.

I think you're absolutely right that he didn't want to have sex with me that night. Problem is those nights are becoming far too frequent. I infected the computer with the virus. It started on my side of the computer, not his!

GARY:
Don't use an administrator account unless you're using administrative functions would be my advice. Particularly when browsing adult websites!

I'm sure he read the titles Julie, but do you have any idea how much of porn is supposed to be 'teen' girls? Besides, titles don't mean anything. Half the time the title doesn't even match the video. Trust me, I've been watching porn for a long time now and I'm very good at it.

JULIE:
Yes Gary I would agree. I watch porn too. These scenes were very young girls though. They are teens and the fact there were three, tells me he's obviously in to the teen sex fantasy thing. He didn't pick three MILF scenes did he? He picked three teen scenes.

I didn't just fall off the lemon lorry. If it weren't for the lying and the avoidance of sex with me, and if he'd looked at other types of scenes besides just ones with teen in the title, then maybe I wouldn't feel so upset.

But there's been a shift in his libido and his desire to be intimate with me, so there is obviously a problem isn't there?

It doesn't look like many men have an issue with a 41 year old man wanting sex with teens. I'm sure if those were your daughters, you would! My husband is always bitching that he is getting gray hair from older guys driving by and looking at our oldest daughter's breasts, yet he is watching someone else's 18 or 19 year old daughter online. These were young inexperienced girls. It isn't hard to spot the difference.

KEVIN:
"I really don't have an answer for you Julie, but I must admit it's interesting to see a woman's perspective on a man who does not want sex. For most of us, it's the other way around."

JULIE:
I know it's unusual for the wife to fancy more sex than the husband. From my standpoint it is a very awful feeling. After I had our last baby he was badgering to go back and get the final check up that would okay us to have sex. For the bulk of our marriage he has been very forceful and we have enjoyed incredible sex together. We have three children for god's sake! We haven't been able to leave each other alone.

The sex is still awesome, it's just more like pulling teeth these days to get him to want to. I'm feeling extremely hurt and he is minimising all the circumstances surrounding this. I don't know what else to do but burst into tears.

Gary, choosing to watch porn of the type my husband was watching gives me a big problem. I saw the scenes he watched. They were very young girls and it wasn't just one scene. I can't gloss over when he had a myriad of other scenes to choose from that he continually chose scenes with teen in the title.

If you're in search of teen sex, you are evidently turned on by it. I do not believe my husband is a paedophile but I do find this behaviour to be deviant in an inappropriate way. If he were a 23-24 year old man it wouldn't be such an issue to me. As the mother of three daughters, a 41 year man getting his rocks off to teen porn is wrong and certainly a huge turnoff to me.

Possibly some scenes titled teen don't have teens in them, but these did, so the argument that the scenes didn't really have teens in them is not applicable in this case. I've already explained this. He sought out teen pornography. You all know how much non-teen pornography is available. Is it really too much to ask to stay away from that?

I know teens are gorgeous, I live with one and I was one once! Appreciating their beauty is fine, but tossing-off to them at 41 is disgusting. He was embarrassed by what he had been watching; I could hear it in his voice.

Why else would he quickly delete his browsing history in the morning before he left for work and lying to me about it? He told me the week before that he had watched porn, but lied this time. That is suspect to me. The two issues are tied together.

PAUL:
Well Julie, I'm not sure which is worse? A spouse who would rather surf porn instead of being with their partner, or a spouse who just has no interest in sex at all? I have the later.

So unfortunately, I don't know what to suggest other than talk to him about it. But I know how you feel as I feel hurt all the time, and when my wife acts like it's no big deal it just makes it worse.

Best of luck to you Julie, maybe it's just something he is going through and he'll get over it? If you already have a good sex life, maybe he just needs something to bring him back to reality, if he hasn't been looking at barely legal teen porn very long. Some guys are absolutely addicted to it though. Finger crossed for you babe.

STEVE:
Julie, you are carping on this matter so much. Can I ask you, when you're talking about 'very young girls' and 'teens' in these videos he's looking at, are you talking about girls who look 18/19 or girls who look 14/15?

JULIE:
I'm not carping on about it Paul. I am just very angry by all the excuses given that they really aren't teens or that he didn't see the title and so on and so forth. I'd feel better if all of you would just say, 'yeah we click on teen because we are expecting to see teens'. The excuses being made are infuriating. I appreciate when people own it. The girls are I'm sure, technically legal but very young and inexperienced. I said previously they looked 18 or 19 to me.

ROB:
I'm with Michael and feel you're focusing on the wrong issue Julie. We have no reason to lie to you; we are nameless, faceless strangers on the internet. We also have no reason to vouch for your husband. Honestly, as somebody who's viewed more than their fair share of porn (including teen barely legal porn), the VAST bulk of teen porn features girls 18-25 because that's what the porn industry (probably based on actual feedback) thinks guys want to see, or its content labelled as 'teen' whether or not the girls are actually teens because that's the category most searched for.

That aside, even if he is seeking out 'teen' specific porn, it doesn't mean he wants to have sex with your daughter, her friends, or any girls that age. It could just be that it makes him feel younger or gives him a thrill he hasn't had in years, and that's why he likes it.

Or maybe he watches lots of different kinds of porn, and you just happened to catch him on a teen day! Or maybe he is actually into younger girls. The point is that I don't think you're focusing on the right issue.

Would it be less of a problem if it was much older women? If it was some kind of fetish porn? No, it would be a problem regardless. The issue is that he's looking at porn for satisfaction when he has a willing and able partner available. That's the issue that needs attention, not specifically what kind of porn he's watching.

JULIE
Rob I don't disagree that there is a problem that goes far beyond what type of porn he is looking at and you are right that on that particular night the fact that he chose porn over me and then lied about it is the crux of the issue. I guess I'm so turned off I have no idea when I will feel like having sex again, and I'm mad that he's made me feel this way.

I don't even want to sleep in the same room with my husband and generally I get over things really quickly, but something about this whole situation is pissing me off worse than anything that's ever happened before. Don't worry, I already told him all of this. Thank you for all of your input so far.

JACK:
So, you DO have a problem with it Julie, right? At least a problem with him having some private time with it. You, in my opinion, are blowing this out of proportion. It's a fantasy, and a mild one at that. You weren't meant to see it. No one was, other than him and he is embarrassed. Most men caught doing that would be.

It was a private thing that he doesn't want to share. Many people are taught from an early age that it's dirty and wrong. You, in fact, just called what he did 'disgusting' and 'gross'. Do you expect him not to be embarrassed? You've got to be kidding me.

1. It was a private thing, so he didn't want you to know about it. Hardly shocking.

2. Given your reaction, can you blame him?

You don't get to choose what turns him on or what he has fantasies about. And I can name about 20 other genres of porn that I promise you would not feel are an improvement over standard 18-25 year old teen porn. What's the solution?

Do you think getting upset with him is going to fix this? Sleeping in another room is going to fix this? I think you're going to have to let him leave his private life private. Get two PCs if you need to. He's an adult male watching what sounds like pretty standard stuff to me.

I think you're absolutely right that he didn't want to have sex with you that night Julie. This to me sounds like the issue you need to address. Not the porn (which may or may not be a symptom of whatever the issue is). Why not communicate about the frequency you want? Spice things up? Do something different? Etc.

MARTIN:
Yes the porn industry throws the word teen about pretty freely and it basically means that there are young good-looking women with essentially perfect bodies on offer. They could be 25 or even 30 year olds in teen movies. The point is, guys like seeing young women with great bodies and perfect complexions because that is what is striking and exciting, just as women are fascinated by tall, rippling hunks with perfect bodies and looks.

That appreciation of beauty and sexuality does not go away for either gender just because their daughter or son happens to be of that age group. Is he out trying to hustle teenage girls? Is he trying to seduce your friend's teenage daughter? Is he trying to slip into the girl's room when your daughter has friends over for a sleep over?

Watching lean, attractive bodies in porn and actually trying to get underage or even legal-aged teens into bed is two completely different things. Your real issue here is with him wanking himself off to porn while you are lying sexually frustrated in bed and not being fulfilled. That is what you need to address Julie.

JULIE:
Listen guys, some of you have twisted everything I said to make me sound like I'm a prude. I'm not. I give amazing head, I engage in anal on occasion, am not opposed to whips and a little latex stuff and we do it all over the place. We've been together 16 years and have pretty much done it all. I'm a fun lay.

As to the 'its private' of course he's embarrassed argument, I'll stop you right there. I watch porn by myself too. The type I watch runs the whole spectrum and can be what some would consider a little weird but I don't delete my browsing history. He could look at it anytime. I'm not ashamed for him to see what turns me on. I only watch it, though, when he's turning me down several nights in a row. A girl can only go so long. It has been nearly a week since we have had sex and while I'm feeling very horny right now, I don't feel particularly open to him.

I've told him more than a few times that I'm ready and eager and would like more regular sex. He knows I'm a sure thing. I'm as frank with him as I am with you guys here. So, no, I don't have a problem with porn. I enjoy it myself regularly but this whole situation has left me feeling very insecure. What do you suggest I do to spice things up? Stand on my head while we do it? I'm running out of options.

I'm not an imbecile. I never said he was out looking for young girls. And while I understand that some of the girls in teen porn aren't teens, hese girls were. Most of the women in porn have very beautiful bodies and nice complexions, that isn't the issue. I don't like looking at slovenly girls either but I also would feel gross watching teen porn with real teens in it. There is a line and a 25 year old looks very different than an 18 year old and is still gorgeous but looks fully developed.

"Whatever. I'm wasting my breath here. Thank you to the few guys that understood.

NIGEL:
I'm not sure why everyone is against you here Julie. I agree 100% with you. Porn is fine. But, teen/barely legal porn for a 41 year old man? Sorry, that's absolutely gross. Being a 32 year old male myself, who occasionally looks at porn, I do find your situation somewhat troubling.

a) He lied to you about watching porn (trust question)

b) Choosing porn (for self-satisfaction) over sexual fulfilment with a willing wife

c) Viewing teen porn (barely legal young women)

I am sorry that you are put into this predicament. I can only imagine the frustration that it brings with the whole thing. I would focus on the trust thing more than anything and try to find out why I would want to watch porn more having sex with you.

A 41 year old guy having an obsession with teen porn is somewhat abnormal; however, part of it is hardwired in a man's brain. I won't deny the fact that I have checked out women a bit younger than me, however, there has never really been much interest in them more than eye candy. As others have said, many of the teen porn is not of teenagers, and seemingly damn near one out of every two or three porn titles seems to have the word teen in it or implications of a teen i.e. student seduces teacher, babysitter ] etc., ad nauseam.

It might simply be a coincidence!

JULIE:
It seems to me that guys who use XXX Sex Contacts struggle to see things from a woman's perspective whereas other women understand the difference between porn and teen porn. I was a girl at 18 and a woman at 23. HUGE change in both mind and body. Still young and firm just not underdeveloped.

"We used to watch porn together a long time ago. It wasn't as dirty then but the porn today leaves no vagueness to sex at all and just ups the ante every time you watch it. We hadn't watched porn regularly again until recently and look at what has happened.

Hubby and I have hashed it out and hopefully this is where it ends. This incident is the only one that I know of where he chose to wait until I was asleep and then watch porn on the computer in our room. I was right there! I suspect this may have happened on other nights that I would have been willing but have no way of knowing so we will move on from here and see how it goes. I asked him to please tell me if there was anything that I was not doing or an issue with my body. I told him my feelings had already been trampled on so if he had anything to say he may as well tell me now so I don't have to go through being hurt again later. He said there is nothing underlying and loves me and thinks I'm sexy. All I can do is move forward. See, marriage is work! Thanks to all of you for the input.

FIONA:
Oh I certainly agree porn can be damaging to a relationship. Totally. But looking at pornography together can be a lot of fun. And as long as a person is not continually looking at porn and ignoring the sexual needs of their partner, I see no problem with it.

DEAN:
Please tell me when that was Julie, since I started watching porn back in the VHS days soon after Videos came out in my teens and it still looks the same today because back then there was also nothing left to the imagination which I just did not mind being a teen myself.

"Porn makes lots of money, it was the first thing on the net to make money apparently. So anything that's sex and legal is already on online and there are many guys that like women who pretend to be teens, and it's readily available because it makes lots of money.

What you have done is make it so your husband takes his teen fantasy underground and he will just be more cautious that you are not around and he will cover his tracks better, but the likelihood is that he's still watching barely legal pornography.

It seems to me that there's plenty of research to support the notion that porn is not harmful; this battle has been fought for years.

SHAUN:
Getting sufficient sex and having a happy relationship makes me have no interest in watching porn. When I was in sexless marriage porn was a staple. Not a scientific study. Just my experience. I believe that people who watch porn watch it for a reason. Find the reason. That requires talking about it.

JIMMY:
I would say porn falls into the hobby category personally. I have a hot wife and we have great sex, but I still like [Amateur] porn and as far as I can tell my life isn't missing much. It's a hell of a lot better than watching the crap on TV and yes we both have a lot of outside activities. She knows I look at online porn and does not feel she is being replaced.

JULIE:
Fair enough guys. You sound like there is balance in your relationship and that is good. I never told my husband he couldn't watch porn. I just resented the fact, that after I had told him I needed more sex, he masturbated to porn instead. I really do think what happened is that he was on the computer looking at e-mails and other non sexual sites and the sudden urge to have a good wank grabbed hold of him.

I don't think he planned to wait until I fell asleep to view teen porn. I have had the urge late at night when he is asleep before, too.

We had a great weekend together and even went on a couple of dates (having a teen to babysit in the house has its advantages!). As far as I'm concerned this is al in the rear view mirror now.

MANCHESTER MAN:
Several studies have been carried out which have concluded that men find women between the ages of 16 and 18 to be the most attractive sexually. It's programmed into men as a sort of way of selecting the best possible mates. As a society, however, we know that women that age are not sexually mature and it's wrong for adults to have sex with women that age.

That being said, men looking at porn are going to find women 18yo or 20yo to be attractive and want to look at them. It's porn it's not an indicator that those men are going to seek out and have sex with women that age.

I think you might be over reacting a bit Julie, but I do understand how you feel. I would talk to your husband about it if it really bothers you (which it clearly does). I wouldn't sink so low as to call him a pervert or worse! As I said, this is not abnormal it's just hard for women to understand why some men are this way.

JULIE:
So Manchester Man, if it's programmed into men that girls aged 16-18 are at their most sexually attractive why aren't I attracted to BOYS? Why should this be hard for me to understand if I'm programmed the same way? I'll tell you why. Because it's total rubbish.

Underdeveloped boys do not turn me on. I like a man with a developed chest and arms. I met my husband when he was 24 and he's grown more manly and muscular since then, so even at 24 he wasn't completely developed!

"One other thing. I didn't notice ANY 16-18 year olds in the top 100 online Hottest Women's List. The women depicted are all WOMEN.

DR JONES:
It's natural for men to be attracted to teenage girls AS LONG as they are sexually developed.

This is the reason why men become the horniest when they hit puberty. This is because teenage girls are at the biological phase when they become the most fertile and thus very attractive to men.

Men will always be attracted to sexually mature girls, and in nature the younger the sexually viable female is, the more fertile she will be: thus the younger the mature girl the more sexually appealing the female is.

It is the same reason why all women want to appear as young as possible; in the male mind younger women are more attractive, for basic scientific and biological reasons.

Underage girls are unlikely to be sexually developed, and it is not human nature (normal) for a man to be attracted to children in a sexual way. This would fall into the realm of paedophilia which is a medically recognised sexual disorder.

Viewing teen porn and barely legal images of young women would not indicate that your husband would ever do anything with a child, however, nor does being attracted to teenage girls (even if developed) mean that it is ok to act upon these primal urges. Most men relegate these desires to porn only.

"But from what you say, you need to be sure that your husband is not obsessed with and attracted to not simply the normal male desire of developed teens, but to children. This would undeniably be paedophilia.

Now if he is looking at young women porn via websites that offer subscriptions, the girls are undeniably 18 and over. For these types of sites, it is the fantasy of an underage girl that attracts men. It is a thrill of looking at something that is forbidden but still in the fantasy realm.

If the site states that the girls are 18, and it's not amateur underage porn gleamed of the internet, and it is models that work for that website then fear not: THEY ARE 18 OR OVER.

But if he is a viewer of non professional model sites then he might be looking at child porn.

Bottom line: Men are naturally attracted to younger women, and developed teens are the epitome of that. This would not make it okay in real life to act upon these urges, as underage girls do not psychologically have the maturity for sex, and need to be protected from older men. And most men will respect that.

But men will be attracted to 16 year old girls with big breasts and nice asses, and they are lying if they say they are not.

BUT!
If he is drawn to child-like qualities in females, then that is not natural, normal or acceptable. There is no biological reason why men would ever be attracted to children, unless they have a psychological disorder.

I suggest you investigate which one of these categories your husband falls into. If he loves you than neither matters, but if he has unhealthy fantasies I suggest couple counselling with a psychiatrist (not a therapist or psychologist).

Contact Women for FREE!